2022 Holiday Romance Movie Roundup

I have a very strict rule that there will be no holiday music or television programming prior to Thanksgiving. This meant that, since Hallmark started airing new holiday romance movies in October, my DVR got a good workout this year. My strategy was to go through a big list of everything scheduled to air and then pick the ones that jumped out at me and program my DVR to record those. (Does this make me sound like the oldest person? I feel like “program my DVR” might as well be “program my VCR.”) (Kids, ask your parents.) This year, I picked fifteen. And that doesn’t include whatever the streaming platforms like Netflix were offering. I didn’t manage to watch all of them, but below what I watched before Christmas.

Also here are my roundups from 2020 and 2021.

OK, here we go:

Title: A Kismet Christmas

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Marilu Henner

Premise: A children’s book author ends up back in her hometown at Christmas because of a plot contrivance, which puts her back in contact her teen crush.

Plotty stuff: Hold on, because this is a plot-heavy one. Sarah Grace (Sarah Ramos) is the author of a popular middle grade fantasy series. The book series has a golden ticket style contest for which the winner gets a visit from the author in their hometown. The winner is in New Britain, Maine, which is also Sarah’s hometown. Her agent (Zahf Paroo) asks her why this news is upsetting to her. We then get a flashback in which it is explained that, through very convoluted means, Sarah’s family got their hands on a recipe for “kismet cookies,” and legend has it whoever puts a cookie under their pillow dreams of their true love. Seems like a waste of a cookie, but okay. Sarah deploys a cookie and learns her true love is the boy next door, on whom she already has an intense crush. The next morning, she rushes to his house to tell him and ends up walking into his wedding. Whoops! She’s so upset she rips up the recipe. Now, Sarah reluctantly goes home and, because this is always true of author heroines in these movies, she’s struggling to finish her latest book and has a pending deadline. The contest winner (Jasmine, who goes by Jazzy) OF COURSE turns out to be the daughter of her high school crush, Travis (Carlo Marks). I’m not new here, so it’s safe to assume the girl’s mom is out of the picture. (Why did Travis get so hastily married in the first place? Was it because of this girl? Where is Mom right now? We’ll never know!) Also, you know it’s true love, because Travis confesses that he read all of the fanfic Sarah wrote when they were kids (about A Wrinkle in Time) and it inspired him to get his first library card. (All the book people reading this have now swooned.) Meanwhile, Sarah’s agent calls to tell her that if she misses her next deadline, the publisher will hire a ghostwriter to finish the series. I don’t think this is how it works, but let’s roll with it. Will Sarah finish her novel on time? Will she get over herself and go out with Travis? Is Grandma Marilu Henner hiding another copy of the kismet cookie recipe someplace?

Key quote: “Can you read it right now? I think it’s good, but I’m a writer, so I’m needy and thin-skinned.” I don’t want to touch that, lol.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? This movie has a scavenger hunt AND a bar trivia night.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? I think the town is called “New Britain” because they celebrate “Dickens Day,” a festival that actually seems to go on for several days, in which everyone dresses like it’s London in the 1840s.

Does it snow? It does!

How many coats did I want to buy? I think the period costumes distracted me, although Sarah wears a red one that’s nice. Also, there is so much red and green in the wardrobe for this movie that I can practically taste the peppermint.

Other thoughts: Wardrobe really got a workout. On top of the Victorian costumes, there’s a flashback scene in which they make Sarah look like a teenager by doing her hair like she’s a four year old, with a ton of hairclips and little pigtails. They age down Travis by putting him in a backward baseball cap and dressing him like it’s 1997, although less than ten years have passed if I’m reading the context clues correctly. Sarah’s fangirls wear red sweatshirts with the letter “K” on them and colorful capes. Also, Jazzy writes fanfic based on Sarah’s books.

Should you track it down on streaming? Sure? The writing is a little heavy-handed, but it’s got some charm.

***

Title: A Cozy Christmas Inn

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Jodie Sweetin, Viveca A. Fox, Brian Doyle Murray, Hey! It’s that Guy Peter Jacobson

Premise: A woman is sent by her boss to buy an inn in Alaska that happens to be owned by her ex.

Plotty stuff: We open on B-roll of Seattle at Christmas. Erika (Sweetin) works at a real estate investment firm. Her boss (Fox) demands that she go to Garland, Alaska, to buy an inn. Sweetin immediately calls her BFF and is like, “My boss wants me to buy an inn in Garland, Alaska,” and her friend breathlessly says, “Andy.” So there is history. Andy (David O’Donnell) owns the inn, of course, and is not interested in selling, but his father (Murray) wants him to consider it so that Andy can go work for the family shipping company. Erika flies up to Alaska and finds everything extremely charming, but Andy’s assistant lets it slip that the inn is not exactly a financial success. This should make Erika’s job easy, but Andy really does not want to sell, and Erika feels ambivalent about making him. Erika’s boss tells her that if she acquires the inn, Erika will be promoted to vice president. Erika and Andy actually talk all this out, and it comes down to: if Andy sells the inn, Erika will get the big promotion she wants, but Andy will lose something important to him. If Erika doesn’t buy it, nobody wins, because Andy will still be running a failing inn, and Erika won’t get promoted. I mean, the obvious option three is that Erika moves to Alaska to help Andy revive the inn, but this is a Hallmark Christmas movie, so the characters have to be dumb about that for a while to underline the conflict. Jacobson plays the town cab driver/newspaper printer, because everyone who lives in Garland has eight jobs. Also, Andy’s dad might be Santa Claus?

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They eat at Hattie’s Diner, which is cute but not really a diner and only serves terrible food. Erika cooks for Andy so they don’t have to eat there again. Erika is really into astronomy, and Andy built an observatory at the inn that genuinely impresses her. (They make out in front of the telescope.) There’s also a Christmas party at the inn.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Garland, Alaska. Andy Holliday.

Does it snow? So much that there’s a runner about how Erika’s city boots are not adequate to the task.

How many coats did I want to buy? Erika wears a pink coat that’s pretty cute. Also, Andy’s cousin Joy knits what are clearly store-bought ugly Christmas sweaters for everyone. Andy wears one with on it a shark that I kind of want.

Other thoughts: Jodie Sweetin looks great, and she’s a surprisingly compelling actress who probably deserves better than a paint-by-numbers holiday romance movie.

Should you track it down on streaming? It’s predictable formula, but it’s cute. If you’re going to watch a movie starring a Full House alum, better this one than, um, some others.

Note: I was listening to a podcast about Hallmark movies and came to find out that there was a 2014 movie called Christmas Under Wraps that is almost literally this movie but with Candace Cameron Bure as a surgeon. Andy Holliday and his father Frank, Hattie’s Diner, Garland, the same actors, all of it. In A Cozy Christmas Inn, Erika alludes to Andy dating a surgeon, and he tells her said surgeon got a job in the 48 and left him to take it. I take this to mean that Andy dated Erika before Candace Cameron Bure and the events of Christmas Under Wraps. In other words, Andy Holliday ends up with Stephanie Tanner instead of her older, anti-gay sister DJ. This kind of feels like Hallmark’s way of being like, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Candace!”

***

Title: Jolly Good Christmas

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: None

Premise: An American in London hires a personal shopper to help find a gift for his girlfriend but falls for the personal shopper.

Plotty stuff: We open on B-roll of London at Christmas to the dulcet tones of Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime,” and I love Paul McCartney, but that is a terrible song. “American” architect David (Will Kemp) has recently moved to London for a job. (I say “American,” because the actor is British and his accent is not always convincing.) While shopping, he meets a personal shopper named Anji (Reshma Shetty), who gently mocks him for buying his girlfriend a gift card for Christmas. Predictably, they mix up their bags, and Anji ends up with the gift card. Luckily, David dropped the name of the prestigious architecture firm he works for when they met, so she tracks him down at work and they swap bags back. David is now panicking about how lame his gift is — likely because he’s dating the boss’s daughter — so since Anji has popped up at his job, he offers to hire her; she needs the money, so she says yes. She helps him shop, but it quickly becomes clear that he barely knows his girlfriend, so finding a gift proves tricky and they have to go to many stores and end up spending most of an afternoon together. Then he falls into a pond, which causes him to miss a meeting with an important client, but through magic coincidence, Anji knows how to get them into the Christmas party the client will be attending that night. They sneak in, shenanigans ensue, and everything goes belly up for David. But instead of trying to fix his problems, he spends the night (in the literal sense, not in a sexy way) with Anji. You know it’s true love, because he’s uptight and she’s chaotic but they have fun together. Will David dump his girlfriend, who seems like a monster? Will all the shenanigans cost him his job? Will David and Anji get their happily ever after?

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? There’s a long scene where they go shopping together, run into the girlfriend, and then inadvertently shoplift and have to run from store security. They also dance together at the fancy Christmas party they sneak into.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Not really, but they hit up a lot of obligatory London at Christmas touristy spots.

Does it snow? It rains, which I can attest from having spent 2 weeks in the UK earlier this year, happens a lot in London!

How many coats did I want to buy? Eh, but I feel like it’s worth noting that Will Kemp wears a 3-piece suit very well.

Other thoughts: When David is panicking about the gift card, he asks his friend Callum about it, and Callum tells a story about how he gave his husband a gift card on their first Christmas and it was not well received, and it shouldn’t be remarkable that this is just dropped into a conversation without a neon arrow pointing at it, but this is Hallmark. And the heroine is South Asian! Progress! Also, apparently Will Kemp is known as “the James Dean of ballet” and if I have to know that, so do you.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes! This was cute and the leads have good chemistry. (IMDB has it listed as “Christmas in London.”)

***

Title: A Magical Christmas Village

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Marlo Thomas, Luke MacFarlane, Alison Sweeney

Premise: A miniature Christmas village grants wishes.

Plotty stuff: Single-mom/control freak Summer (Sweeney) invites her hippy dippy mom Vivian (Thomas) to move in, because it’s Christmas and Vivian has to move out of her house. Vivian unpacks a miniature Christmas village — a replica of the town where they live — that she says is magic. Summer’s daughter, Chloe, who is too old for this sort of thing, enjoys playing with it. Chloe makes two of the village’s figures… stand near each other, and then almost immediately Summer meets Ryan (MacFarlane), who is an engineer new in town. She’s an architect, he impresses her with his knowledge of ceiling joists, he asks her out, and she says yes. Ryan is only in town temporarily as he recovers from a bad divorce, though, in a kind of nod at a conflict. On their first date, Summer and Ryan bond over the fact that they are both Type A. They continue dating without much fanfare. Things get a little dark (for Hallmark) when Summer discovers that Vivian is in debt and they argue about it. Honestly, though, by the time Ryan tells Summer he’s been offered a job in another state toward the end of the movie, like the writers suddenly remembered romance plots need conflict, I’ve lost interest. It almost comes back around when the grand romantic gesture involves costumes, but I’m no longer invested.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? Every time Chloe has the figures that represent Summer and Ryan in the Christmas village do something, Summer and Ryan do it. This includes standing in a gazebo, ice skating, and Christmas shopping in the town’s outdoor holiday market.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? The town is called Bryson Falls, which doesn’t seem obviously Christmassy?

Does it snow? Given that everyone keeps commenting on how weird it is that it hasn’t snowed all season, viewers of this movie will be surprised not at all when Chloe sprinkles some white stuff — it looks like quilt batting — on the Christmas village and it immediately starts to snow in real life.

How many coats did I want to buy? Summer’s sister wears a cream and purple plaid coat that is very cute.

Other thoughts: I know MacFarlane is a Hallmark perennial, but after seeing him in Bros a few months ago, it is clear to me that he also has other talents. He’s also very handsome. If he’s gonna keep doing Hallmark movies, maybe he could do a gay one next year. Just putting that out into the universe. (He was in Single All the Way, in which he plays the red herring love interest that makes Michael Urie realize he’s in love with his best friend, but that’s not really the same. Let him be the gay romantic lead in a Hallmark movie! Hallmark made a gay romance I’ll be reviewing below, so the door is open!) MacFarlane and Sweeney are okay together as romantic leads, but if a man this hot is the lead in a movie, a little more sexual tension would be nice.

Elsewhere, there’s also a scene where Summer’s nephew says, “You’ve got a Christmas village?” using the same tone as “You’ve got a Playstation?” like magic miniature Christmas villages are just a thing people have in their homes. And we get another Wrinkle in Time reference, so someone on the Hallmark writing staff has a favorite book.

Should you track it down on streaming? Eh. I love Marlo Thomas and I want Luke MacFarlane to be in more movies, but I thought this one was boring.

***

Title: The Royal Nanny

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: None

Premise: A government agent goes undercover as a nanny in the British royal household in order to solve a plot against the family.

Plotty stuff: B-roll of London at Christmas. We get a lot of information in the first five minutes, but it essentially boils down to this: Claire (Rachel Skarsten) is an MI5 agent who goes undercover as a nanny because there’s a threat against the royal family. Her first act as nanny is to disarm all of the pranks the royal children have set up for her, which kind of endears her to them. [The royals in this universe are Princess Rose (Katie Sheridan), the heir to the throne, and her two children, who are maybe 12 and 8. Princess Rose has a younger brother named Colin (Dan Jeannotte). When Colin and Claire meet, he’s immediately attracted to her and not subtle about it.] Claire slips right into the role of nanny. Colin at first dislikes her for reasons that aren’t clear to me. Perhaps we are meant to make us suspicious of him; MI5 thinks he’s a suspect in the plot against the princess and her children. Claire, therefore, has to contrive to spend more time with him. The inevitable happens. He works out that she’s not the humorless scold he thought she is, and she admires his charity work, so they start falling for each other. He asks her out on his night off. Rose is supportive of this, because she’s the sister in a Hallmark movie and not an heir to the British throne who would be horrified if her brother went out with the nanny. So, will Claire foil the plot? Is an MI5 agent a suitable royal spouse? Am I too much of an anglophile to watch something like this without yelling “but that’s not how it works!” every ten minutes? Spoiler on that last one: yes. Also, this has a total Scooby Doo ending that doesn’t really make sense.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? Mostly they spend time with the kids. There’s also a fancy holiday party at the palace that Colin invites Claire to with the Princess’s blessing, and she just happens to have a gorgeous red ballgown in her closet? I’m sorry, but no.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? No, but the number of nutcrackers per square foot is very high.

Does it snow? It does not.

How many coats did I want to buy? Whoever wrote this has seen Mary Poppins too many times, because Claire literally carries around an umbrella and a carpet bag. Her wardrobe is extremely buttoned up, which seemed old-fashioned to me, but it turns out actual royal nannies have a hideous uniform.

Other thoughts: I’ve probably watched too much of The Crown, but most of the royal stuff is nonsense. I could list all the errors, which are many, but I’m probably the only one who cares. (I mean, at the very least, Princess Rose should have worn a tiara to the formal Christmas party.) I don’t need a total adherence to realism from a low-budget made-for-TV movie, but some nods at actual facts would have been nice. Instead, we get what I’m guessing was what an American writer who doesn’t know anything about British culture thinks the royals are like.

Should you track it down on streaming? Nah. I’ve seen royal romances done much better. This one is skippable.

***

Title: Inventing the Christmas Prince

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Tamera Mowry-Housley

Premise: A girl becomes convinced her mom’s boss is the Christmas Prince.

Plotty stuff: According to a story Shelby (Mowry-Housley) tells, a Christmas prince rules over the North Pole. This is apparently a story passed down in her family, although it’s complete nonsense that Shelby seems to make up as she goes. Shelby is a literal rocket scientist. Her boss Evan (Ronnie Rowe) is a huge nerd, which we know because he wears a pocket protector (although under his boring work clothes, he is RIPPED). He also has zero people skills, and as a result, people keep quitting on him, which his boss tells him is unacceptable. When he tells everyone they have to work on Christmas, this is the last straw for Shelby, who quits on the spot. Her daughter Grace happens to be with her that day and notices that Evan has a birthmark on his hand — something Shelby told her the Christmas Prince has — so she’s convinced that he’s the Christmas Prince. Since Evan could lose his job if someone else quits, and Shelby quit without a real plan, they strike a bargain: Shelby can have her job back, and to keep her, Evan will pretend to be the Christmas Prince and grant Grace wishes. For comic effect, most of Grace’s wishes are ridiculous. Evan does bond with Grace, though, and spending time with Grace and Shelby softens his edges. But just when he’s really starting to change, he finds out that he’s already been referred up the chain for review. Also, there’s a lab in California trying to headhunt Shelby, so there’s a tiny chance she’ll move, but come on, now. The setup for the climax is kind of dumb — without giving too much away, the fact that Shelby made up this bonkers story about a Christmas prince kind of comes back to bite her — but Evan puts on a very silly costume for Grace at the end, and it got a little dusty in my living room.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? Mostly, they work together to grant Grace’s wishes. And they drink a lot of coffee together. And Shelby is almost always drinking cocoa from some big mug with a healthy dollop of whipped cream on top. (There’s so much hot chocolate in this movie that it made me get up and make hot chocolate.)

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? “Grace” feels like a nod at the season.

Does it snow? No, alas.

How many coats did I want to buy? I got distracted when Shelby makes Evan over by making him wear fitted sweaters that show of his arms… *fans self*

Other thoughts: Evan’s birthmark looks drawn on with a magic marker. Ronnie Rowe looked really familiar to me; apparently I know him from Star Trek: Discovery, so that’s cool. He’s not completely convincing as a nerd — he’s just too handsome, sorry about it — but I’m a sucker for a dorky hero, and Rowe plays the character in a way that really shows his growth. Also, the little girl who plays Grace is adorable.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes. Some of the plot is a little clunky, but the movie is much better than a movie with a plot this goofy has any right to be.

***

Title: Santa Bootcamp

Network: Lifetime

Notable Stars: Rita Moreno, Marissa Jaret Winokur

Premise: An event planner needs to hire a Santa and gets sucked into a Santa training bootcamp.

Plotty stuff: Emily (Emily Kinney) runs an event planning company with her mother (Deanne Bray, who is deaf — Emily and her mom mostly communicate via sign language). They are tasked with finding the best Santa in LA for an event. Emily spots a flyer for a Santa Bootcamp run by Belle (Moreno), so she decides to go to the camp to get a referral for a good Santa. When she arrives at the bootcamp, the first person she meets is hot guy named Aiden (Justin Gaston). Then she meets Belle and asks for recommendations for the best Santas, and Belle agrees to give it to her if she completes the boot camp (they train Santa’s helpers, too). So Emily gets pulled into class. Aiden is the chef at the bootcamp, but Belle is trying to matchmake, so she makes him take the classes, too. Emily and Aiden get paired together for tasks a lot, which gives them time to talk about their backstories and grow closer. Meanwhile, bootcamp basically forces both Emily and Aiden to stop and appreciate the season instead of working, so they get into the bootcamp spirit. But just when they’re falling for each other, Aiden (sing it with me) gets a job offer in New York. What will happen now? Also, Chris and Belle might be the actual Santa and Mrs. Claus. Winokur plays Belle’s exuberant assistant.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They wear silly costumes. They go to a Christmas tree auction. She talks him into catering the big event she’s planning.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Belle’s husband is named Chris. I have to assume this is a nod at Kris Kringle.

Does it snow? Emily’s childhood wish was to have a white Christmas, but she lives in LA. The night of the big event is unseasonably cold… I wonder what will happen?

How many coats did I want to buy? It’s LA, so nobody wears coats, but Rita Moreno wears a sparkly tracksuit for the first third of the movie that is pretty fabulous.

Other thoughts: I read an article years ago about training to be a Santa, and there are conventions and things that start well in advance of the holiday season, so it seems factually incorrect to have this boot camp occurring so close to Christmas. Whatever, setting it aside. Anyway, you know that scene in every one of these movies in which the heroine walks out wearing a ballgown and the hero is astonished by her beauty. In this movie, that scene happens when Emily is dressed as a young Mrs. Claus.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yeah, I thought it was cute. It’s a little too aware that Rita Moreno is a national treasure (the characters refer to Belle as a national treasure at least twice), but… she’s a national treasure.

***

Title: My Southern Family Christmas

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Bruce Campbell, Moira Kelly

Premise: A woman goes to Louisiana to meet her biological father.

Plotty stuff: B-roll footage of Dallas. Campbell (Jaicy Elliot) is a reporter for a travel magazine. She gets a phone call from a woman named Jennifer who claims to be married to Campbell’s biological father. This prompts Campbell to google her father — he has a mysterious dark past and left Campbell’s mother when Campbell was very young — and her boss happens to see her looking at an article and, long story short, Campbell ends up pitching a story on the Christmas festival in a tiny town in Louisiana that goes over the top because it doesn’t snow there. The Père Noel this year just happens to be Campbell’s father, Everett (Bruce Campbell). She heads to the tiny town, where she’s greeted by Jennifer (Kelly). Campbell decides to use her reporter job as a cover and doesn’t tell Everett she’s his daughter. Jennifer is complicit in this plot. Campbell then meets a cute bespectacled guy who turns out to be Jackson, the town’s librarian/historian/archivist (Ryan Rottman). He agrees to help her with the story. She spends a lot of time with Everett and his family, especially getting to know her half-sisters. Jackson, with admittedly few clues, figures out who she really is and calls her on it. Still, they grow close while Campbell tries to work up the courage to tell Everett who she is. Will she ever tell him? How will he react? And is her relationship with Jackson a “when in small town Louisiana” thing or the real deal?

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They… go through some dusty files. They dance at the festival. Campbell and Everett do more getting-to-know-you stuff, like baking and reading stories in French and working in his food truck together.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Naming a character Campbell in a movie with Bruce Campbell made things weird when writing this review, but that’s not Christmassy per se. (She can get away with not telling Everett she’s his daughter because Campbell is a nickname he wouldn’t have been aware of.)

Does it snow? No, but the climax of the festival has something to do with Christmas alligators.

How many coats did I want to buy? It’s Louisiana, so everyone wears light jackets, not coats. The fashion in this movie didn’t really jump out at me.

Other thoughts: It’s neat to see a heroine who is bigger than a size 4. Unfortunately, the romance is underbaked; the emotional core of the movie is Campbell’s relationship to Everett and his family. The romance with Jackson is kind of an afterthought, although it hits a lot of the standard holiday romance movie beats: meet cute in which she does something embarrassing, bonding while working on a project together, dancing to a Christmas song. Just, when Jackson makes it clear he’s in it for the long haul, I was like, “Wait, you guys have spent five minutes together.” Alas, there’s only so much you can do in a 90-minute movie.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes. I mean, Bruce Campbell. He and Jaicy Elliot are both great.

***

Title: The Twelve Days of Christmas Eve

Network: Lifetime

Notable Stars: Kelsey Grammer, Spencer Grammer

Premise: Groundhog Day, but Christmas

Plotty stuff: It’s Christmas Eve. Brian Conway (Kelsey Grammer) is a Scrooge who works for a large corporation (seems to be a chain electronics store). His daughter, Michelle (Spencer Grammer), is a single mom and a surgeon. At a big fundraiser he encounters Nina Nishii (Diana Toshiko), an eccentric rich lady who offers to buy his company; he’s down for it, because the company is failing. On the way home from the fundraiser, though, he gets into a fatal car accident and wakes up in Santa’s workshop. He begs Santa to live (we’re setting aside how absurd this is) and Santa cuts him a deal: he has 12 days to find the true meaning of Christmas — the true meaning of life — and then he can live. He wakes up again and it’s Christmas Eve morning again. When he realizes it wasn’t a dream, he freaks out, runs outside, slips on an icy patch and dies again. Santa sends him back. Because he lives in the world, he knows how “these time loop movies” work, so in one of the repeat days, he decides that if he’s just crazy generous, he’ll demonstrate that he Gets It, but it’s obvious he’s only doing it for selfish reasons. In one repeat, he decides it’s pointless. In another, he goes overboard trying to spend time with his granddaughter without realizing she’s not really the one he needs to repair his relationship with. And so on. Basically, he stumbles about trying to figure out what he’s been doing wrong. He comes to realize his daughter is pretty angry with him for prioritizing work over her for her entire life. Seems like an uphill battle to fix in one day, but okay. So can Brian fix everything when he has twelve shots at one day? Will Nina buy the company only to rip it up and sell it for parts? Will “I’ve Got You, Babe” play on Brian’s clock radio in the morning?

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? This isn’t a romance. But Brian and his granddaughter go sledding, noodle around in a workshop, bake Christmas cookies, give presents to random people, volunteer at a soup kitchen, and attend a very sedate Christmas party.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Aside from literal Santa, no.

Does it snow? Nada

How many coats did I want to buy? None in particular, but Kelsey Grammer wears a bonkers plaid suit in more than one scene that I think is notable.

Other thoughts: I know Spencer Grammer has been in things I have not watched, but her performance was better than I expected. It made me wonder if she has some real frustration with her father she’s exorcising here. Otherwise, this movie felt… long? That’s a weird thing to say about a 90-minute movie, but by about the 1-hour mark, I thought, “OK, I get it.”

Should you track it down on streaming? Eh. I wanted to like this more than I did; the performances are good, but it’s, well, repetitive. Bill Murray did it better.

* * *

Title: A Holiday Spectacular

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Ann-Margaret, Law & Order alum Elizabeth McCormick, Eve “Jan Brady” Plumb, the actual Rockettes

Premise: A woman tells her granddaughter the story of how she became a Rockette in the 1950s.

Plotty stuff: There’s some business at the beginning in which a girl is auditioning for a role in The Nutcracker, and gets a pep talk from her grandmother (Ann-Margaret) but then we’re whisked into a flashback of Ann-Margaret’s younger self. Maggie (Ginna Claire Mason) is engaged to a drip named Maxwell, and her controlling mother (McCormick) is very concerned with her rich family’s reputation. Maggie is a dancer and, on a whim, auditions for the Rockettes and gets cast. She lies to her mother that she’s going to New York to buy a wedding dress but is really going to dance with the Rockettes (how long does it take to buy a wedding dress?). Right when she arrives, she meets a cute photographer, as you do. She ends up in a women’s boarding house in Hell’s Kitchen, a far cry from her comfortable upbringing. Lots of dance rehearsal montages ensue. The photographer, John (Derek Klena), turns out to work at a deli up the street from the boarding house. John wants to be a photojournalist, instead of working in his parents’ deli, so “subverting parental expectations” is the thing they have in common. On the other hand, Maggie is engaged to a man she doesn’t seem to like very much, so, you know, “conflict.” Meanwhile, even though Maggie’s stories about schmoozing with important New Yorkers seem to fool her mother, spending two months in New York starts to get suspicious, and it gets harder for Maggie to keep up the charade. So, will she dump drippy Maxwell and run off with the deli worker/photographer? Will her parents discover her big secret? Will she go back to live as a snooty rich person in Philly or stay in New York and be a dancer? Eve Plumb plays John’s mother.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They go for a nighttime stroll. They eat roasted chestnuts, which John says is a “New York Christmas tradition,” but I’ve lived in New York for 20 years and I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a chestnut. They also decorate a Christmas tree, and John buys Maggie a pin she admired in a store, which we know from Friends means he loves her.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? No, but as Maggie points out, the Rockettes basically live, eat, and breathe Christmas all the time.

Does it snow? It sure does.

How many coats did I want to buy? Look, I don’t want to judge, but Maxwell wears what I recognize as a Tommy Hilfiger sweater in 1958, which seems unlikely. Otherwise, the period fashion is incredibly cute. Maggie wears a green dress in one of the scenes before she leaves for New York that is gorgeous. She wears a cream-colored dress at the end of the movie that is spectacular. (The late-50s “New Look” is my favorite era in fashion. This movie is wall to wall big skirts, pillbox hats, cute little sweaters, T-strap shoes.) Some of the wigs are not great, the set decorating is minimal (even in “Gimbal’s,” the exterior of which looks like a bank) but it’s mostly really nice to look at.

Other thoughts: Not to be That Guy, but some of these actresses aren’t actually tall enough to be Rockettes. (The average height is 5’8”.) Maggie’s roommate is an Italian girl from Bensonhurst named Sofia, and she’s my favorite character in this thing. (Her role in the movie is mostly to be the Friend Who Points Out That Main Character and Love Interest Are Into Each Other, but she has a little secondary romance with John’s cousin.) The love interests have good chemistry; I yelled “KISS HIM!” at the screen a lot.

Anyway, I loved the idea of a historical Hallmark movie. This one was better than I expected. I also appreciated the colorblind casting. (There wasn’t a Black Rockette until 1988, but this fictional 1958 Holiday Spectacular has at least two, and Maggie’s high society BFF Kitty is Asian.)

Should you track it down on streaming? Absolutely. For the fashion and the dance montages alone.

***

Title: A Royal Corgi Christmas

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Nada.

Premise: A prince is trying to win his mother’s love via cute dogs, so he hires an American dog trainer and romance ensues.

Plotty stuff: We open on what I’m fairly certain is a cardboard castle. (It’s also called Christmas Castle.) Prince Edmond (Jordan Renzo), who is shaggy and spoiled but in a hot way, has brought a corgi for his mother, the queen, who already has two corgis. Edmond tries to talk the royal corgi handler into training his riffraff corgi, but the handler — who seems to be schtupping Edmond’s younger sister — refuses because this dog has no royal lineage. A clip of this corgi destroying a display of food at a royal event goes viral, so dog trainer Cecily (Hunter King) decides she should volunteer her services. It also turns out that Edmond is something of a playboy (in a tame, Hallmarkian sense) and the queen doesn’t think he’s ready to become king when she… steps down, because that’s how royalty works? (This seems to be some fake European principality and not the UK, but don’t monarchs generally stay monarchs until they die?) Anyway, in addition to being a scandal to his family, the prince is lazy, so when he hears from Cecily, he’s like, “Yes, hire her,” without giving it much thought. Cecily’s coded-gay BFF puts together a literal binder with intel on the royal family, so she has lots of information when she embarks on her journey to the toy castle. When Cecily and Edmond meet the first time, they exchange a meaningful “we’re going to fall in love” look, but then he’s a dick to her. And we’re off to the races. Dog training scenes. Getting-to-know-you scenes. Edmond buying the dog is tied up in his daddy issues, it turns out. So, will all the cute dogs and holiday magic convince the queen that Edmond will be a good king? Will the binder of royal information be Chekhov’s gun? Is the royal corgi handler such a pill because he has an eye on the throne via his girlfriend if Edmond is passed over? Will Edmond and Cecily live happily ever after with their dog? There’s kind of a deus ex canis ending, too.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They train the dog. They hang out in the castle’s library. They buy presents for orphans. They make a pie. They tie ribbons on a tree. They create a Corgi Derby. There’s a ball.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? Christmas Castle. The dog’s name is Mistletoe. The whole castle is lousy with Christmas trees.

Does it snow? Nope.

How many coats did I want to buy? I know it’s a cliché to love a man in uniform, but I really do. Something about all those neat lines and precision. But Prince Edmond looks silly in a uniform. Jordan Renzo belongs in, like, flannel and torn jeans. Edmond’s sister, Victoria, has a spectacular wardrobe, though. (She wears a blue dress in one scene that I covet, and a gorgeous pink ballgown to the ball.)

Other thoughts: Look, I’m weak, okay? Royals and cute dogs? Mistletoe the dog is adorable. Unfortunately, the prince is… not the best actor I’ve ever seen in a Hallmark movie. And, again, we’re ignoring the fact that a future monarch might end up with the help. But Hunter King is great, so I hope she gets put in a better movie in the future. And this movie has a lot of very good dogs.

Should you track it down on streaming? Nah. Unless you’re really into royals and/or cute dogs, skip this one.

***

Title: The Holiday Sitter

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Jonathan “Aaron Samuels” Bennett

Premise: A man who’s bad with kids babysits his niece and nephew with the help of the cute neighbor.

Plotty stuff: We open on Sam (Bennett) on a date with a guy who is extremely anxious to start a family. But after a rant about how weird and terrible the suburbs are, it’s clear that Sam isn’t into kids at all. He’s planning to spend Christmas by himself in Hawaii. The next bit plays out slowly, especially since we live in the world and have seen a lot of these movies before, so I’ll save us some time: Sam’s sister and her husband have to leave town suddenly and need a babysitter; no one else is available, so they ask Sam. Sam is terrible with kids, but luckily, the cute next-door neighbor Jason (George Krissa) is very good with kids — in addition to having many nieces and nephews, he’s in the process of adopting — so Sam hires him as an “uncle consultant.” As they seal the deal on this agreement, Jason makes a sassy comment about Sam’s loafers, and this is how Sam works out that Jason is also gay. Most of the focus is on Sam adjusting to being in a quasi-parental role and learning that he’s not actually terrible at it, and he grows to like Jason so much that he might compromise his not particularly strong convictions about not wanting kids. It’s all very sweet, and there’s a lot of handholding. I only yelled “Oh my goodness just kiss already!” like three times.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? Jason teaches Sam how to make vegan pancakes. (I can’t eat eggs or dairy, so I try to glean the recipe. It seems to involve oat milk, if that’s helpful to anyone else.) They go on a Christmas lights walk with Jason’s family. They paint a room. They wrap presents for the niece and nephew. Jason shows his love by buying Sam sweaters.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? No. The movie takes place in a town called Braydon, which seems to be a NYC suburb

Does it snow? No. I feel cheated.

How many coats did I want to buy? The fashion in this movie isn’t especially notable, alas.

Other thoughts: Sam’s resistance to family and relationships isn’t explained until the end, which left me wondering for most of the movie what his deal is. When he does explain at the end of the movie, it’s a good explanation.

The movie also has a surprising number of layers. There’s a cute subplot in which Sam’s nephew auditions for a Christmas play to get closer to Jason’s niece, on whom he has a huge crush. And Jason’s brother just got divorced, so he’s hear as The Voice of Reason, but while he’s mopey about his own life, he encourages Jason.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes. It’s cute. It’s a better than average Hallmark movie in terms of plot, structure, acting, and the chemistry between the leads (the general criteria I have for judging these, if that wasn’t clear) and giving a gay couple this kind of low-stakes, low-conflict romance feels like progress in a weird way.

***

Title: A Christmas to Treasure

Network: Lifetime

Notable Stars: None

Premise: Six friends childhood friends reunite for a treasure hunt. Just go with it.

Plotty stuff: We open on an extremely cheesy business meeting in which everyone says the word “brand” about a hundred times. We meet Austin (Taylor Frey), a “brand strategist.” (I know that’s a real job, but of all the big city career cliches…) Cut to a small snowy mountain town where Everett (Kyle Dean Massey) is decorating a house; he wants to buy the house but doesn’t have the money just yet. We get some exposition about the recently deceased Mrs. Marley, who owned the house. Upon her death, six letters went out to six now adult children she helped raise inviting them to participate in a treasure hunt on her property. This includes both Everett and Austin, as well as Everett’s friend Ricky (Roberto Aguire) and Austin’s friend/business partner Tipper (Katie Walder). (“Tipper”? Like… Gore?) A couple (Michelle and Clay, played by Nikki McKenzie and Norman Towns) rounds out the six. It’s clear from the beginning that Austin and Everett have some History but have been out of touch for a bit; whatever happened, Austin is extremely bitter about it and is a petty jerk around Everett. Still, the group is collectively trying to matchmake Ricky with Tipper and Austin with Everett, because friends in holiday romance movies are always trying to make sure everyone else has a HEA. I won’t give away the whole backstory, but Austin and Everett do clear the air once the treasure hunt gets rolling. So, since they are clearly destined to be together, will Austin and Everett get their shit together and be in love? Will Everett find the money to buy Mrs. Marley’s house? Will Austin and Everett just make out already, like they clearly want to? Austin’s mom is played by Mary-Margaret Humes, whom I recognized as Dawson’s mom on Dawson’s Creek.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? The treasure hunt. They share peppermint bark. They put up and decorate a Christmas tree.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? The town is called Bellville. Totally counts. The whole town looks like a ski resort, so there’s that, too.

Does it snow? Nope!

How many coats did I want to buy? There are a lot of turtleneck sweaters in this movie. In the last scene, by decree of the late Mrs. Marley, the six main characters all wear candy cane suits.

Other thoughts: Taylor Frey and Kyle Dean Massey are IRL husbands, so that’s neat. The sexual tension between them is zippy and I started yelling “just kiss already!” as soon as they appeared on screen together. Sometimes the issue with these movies is how chaste they are. A couple of closed-mouth kisses is the best we can hope for.

Also, I am such a sucker for this particular trope; childhood friends who haven’t seen each other in a while working out their old drama? Yes. Sign me up. A big part of the conflict is that Everett and Austin have been in love with each other since they were kids, but Austin is out and proud and Everett is less so (his parents, now deceased, were super conservative). There’s a geography-based conflict, too, which I’ll be happy never to see again; Austin’s life is in LA but Everett isn’t jazzed about moving.

Also also, Michelle decides to throw a party at Austin’s parents’ house and invites the whole town without telling them, and somehow the parents are fine with this and don’t try to murder her or find a sudden need to go to Mexico, which is what I would do. A Christmas miracle!

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes. The romance is swoony. The treasure hunt plot is a little contrived, but I’m okay with it in a holiday romance movie.

***

Title: Hanukkah on Rye

Network: Hallmark

Notable Stars: Jeremy Jordan, Lisa Loeb

Premise: The Shop Around the Corner, but with Jewish delis

Plotty stuff: We open on Gilbert’s Deli, a classic, family-run Jewish deli in the tradition of Katz’s or the 2nd Ave Deli. Molly (Yael Groblas) is behind the counter trying to perfect her grandmother’s egg cream recipe, because Molly is slated to take over the deli soon. Then we cut to Jacob (Jordan) who works at Zimmer’s in California with his family; it’s a Jewish deli with an eclectic menu. He then leaves for New York, where he’s got an eye on a property he intends to turn into the New York outpost of Zimmer’s. He has a temporary rental in — surprise — Molly’s building. Both Molly’s and Jacob’s grandmothers are putting pressure on them to get married and contacted a matchmaker in Brooklyn who, of course, has put Molly and Jacob together, except they don’t know it. But there are some get-to-know-you shenanigans — there are rules that they can’t contact each other by twenty-first century means or tell each other their names, so they have to write each other pseudonymous letters. Obligation to their respective bubbies means they send the letters. In the meantime, Jacob insults Gilbert’s, calling it old fashion, without knowing Molly’s family owns it, so they’re off on the wrong foot. You can probably guess what happens next. They are charmed by each other’s letters but continue to antagonize each other in person. Although, after Molly yells at him for opening a chain deli with a “modern” menu, Jacob starts to feel a little guilty, because the food at Gilbert’s is really good. Much mishegoss follows. Lisa Loeb shows up to sing a Hanukkah song, and it’s great.

What fun activities do the characters engage in while falling in love? They attend several menorah lightings. Molly cooks up a Hanukkah song writing contest, since there are “only two.” He helps her cater a party. They walk around “the Lower East Side.” Jacob eats a lot of deli meat.

Is there a character or town with a cute, Christmassy name? These are mostly New York Jews, so no.

Does it snow? No. I am really disappointed with the lack of snow this year.

How many coats did I want to buy? I didn’t notice much about the fashion, although Lisa Loeb’s outfit is pretty cute, and also she hasn’t aged since the ‘90s.

Other thoughts: Man, this movie has a lot of food puns. It made me really want to eat a corned beef sandwich. And the climax of the movie involves a latke-off.

I appreciate that both protagonists are Jewish, which is a break from the “Jewish person teaches the goyishe love interest about Hanukkah” format (or worse, Christian teaches their Jewish love interest about Christmas, like Christmas isn’t everywhere all the time at this time of year) most of the previous Hanukkah romance movies have followed in the past.

Should you track it down on streaming? Yes. I thought it was charming.

And those are all the holiday romance movies I managed to watch before Christmas. So, until next year…